just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
