Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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