need another drink. this is the easiest way
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
