Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
