If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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