Please, let me fuck your mom
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
