It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
