dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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