Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
