at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
