I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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