I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
