At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
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On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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