I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
