I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
as a side note pls kill me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
