there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
