i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
