I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
