I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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