i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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