wakey wakey hands off snakey
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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