you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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