either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
