for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
