so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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