Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
