Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
