Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
