Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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