Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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