I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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