Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
