sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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