you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I love you.
Bad choice
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
