im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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