There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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