Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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