im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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