Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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