My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
