Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
