I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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