and you said cock pushups were impossible
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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