I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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