good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
