So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
