My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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