the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
