we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
