I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
