i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
