textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's official drugs can't kill me
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
