I have demons in me.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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