Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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