Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
