i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
